06 September 2017

10 Things that Make No Sense

1. Decaf coffee. Normally in my house we don't say the d-word, but decaf really doesn't make any sense, people. It's all about the caffeine. And the flavor. And without caffeine, no flavor. If you just want a hot beverage vaguely reminiscent of coffee, drink chicory. Or Cafix. Or, whatever, heat up your old used dishwater. It all tastes about the same.
2. Fast-talking disclaimers. “New, Amazing, Limited Time Offer!! …Offervalidatparticipatinglocationsonlysomerestrictionsmayapplyseeinstorefordetails.“ ....??!!?.... What?? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! ...yeah, I know, that's the whole idea in the first place. You just don't want to get sued. Why saying stuff too fast for me to hear safeguards you against that, I'll never know.

3. Ear-splitting loud fire alarms in public buildings. It's a well-known fact that the ones who panic in an emergency are almost always worse off than those who stay calm. This is just a guess on my part, but I do wonder if having their eardrums ruptured isn't bound to make most people feel a little panicky.

4. Keeping books and magazines in the bathroom. If the time it takes for you to do your business is so long that you need reading material, see a doctor.

5. Bringing your phone, tablet, or TV into the bathroom. See #4.

6. Modern art sculptures. I knew a guy who left a heap of scrap metal and rusty bedsprings right in the middle of the town green, and he paid a fine for illegal dumping. Another guy did the same thing, but he said it was art, and now tourists stop and have their pictures taken next to it.

7. Memorial highways/bridges. People, whatever you do, make sure you do some kind of honorable and very publicly visible civic duty in your lifetime. Ensuring that an unsightly, hazardous, air polluting stretch of traffic jam will someday be erected in your memory is an opportunity you must seize while you still can.

8. Wisdom teeth. What other part of the body serves no purpose whatsoever except to necessitate an expensive and painful operation at one of the most financially vulnerable times of life (your teens and twenties)? There's no wisdom in this that I can see.

9. Childproof caps on medicine bottles. Most of the time these end up deterring the person for whom the medicine is actually intended, usually the elderly and the disabled who might very well have enough trouble opening a non childproof bottle.

10. Blonde jokes. These are actually "women jokes" in disguise. It's not really about hair at all. I mean, when was the last time you heard a joke about a blonde guy?

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