01 November 2017

10 More Things That Make No Sense


1. "Back to School" sales in late June/early July. Imagine you're on a ten-day cruise in the Caribbean, and the boss starts calling and leaving you relentless voicemails on day three about all the work you'll be expected to do when you come back. Would you be ticked? Yeah, probably. Well, that's what it feels like to the poor kids these days who barely have a week to enjoy their summer before they get "Back to School" shoved in their faces by over-eager advertisers.

2. Bacon packaging. There must be a trick to this that I haven't caught on to yet. When I buy a package of bacon, it doesn't have a readily obvious "opening" spot, so I just make a cut somewhere on the end, and then that flap at the top on the inside makes it hard for me to get the bacon out, and then I can't close up the package without it getting slimy. If this is a ploy to make me eat all the bacon at once, I can tell you, it's working.

3. Multicolored dog food. You know whatever dogs once ate in the wild didn't come in shades of rainbow. No doubt the visual effects are more for the owner's benefit than the dog's, as dogs don't really care what color their food is. Come to think of it, it doesn't actually benefit the owner either, as artificial colors have been shown to increase hyperactivity in dogs.

4. Vow renewals. Why would you have to renew your wedding vows? Did they expire?

5. People who say their baby was a "surprise." Alright, people. I hate to be the one getting personal and saying this out loud, but somebody's gotta. You wouldn't be "surprised" when following the directions on a box of cake mix results in a cake. So if you have followed the baby-making manufacturer's instructionsthen there should be no "surprise" when this process results in a Baby. Okie dokie?

Speaking of children...

6. People who use their kids as their family Christmas card picture. Please explain this one to me, Parents of Small Children. Why do you absent yourself from family photos after procreating? Is that old wives' tale about how daughters steal their mothers' beauty really true? Or are humans like fish and bugs: after you've successfully reproduced, you've outlived your usefulness, and nobody cares about you anymore?

7. Oven mitts. Make no mistake, a thing that protects your hand so you can retrieve stuff from a blisteringly hot oven is a great idea. I just wish they were more like gloves, not mittens. It's harder to grip the pan or handle or whatever, if your fingers are entrapped in a thick mitt. I have some interesting grease burns on my feet that make a good case for this.

8. "Limited time" products. The companies are spying on you. They know the exact moment when you fall in love with something. Then they spirit it away, never to be seen again. Because, you know, it's bad marketing to sell a product that people love. Apparently.

9. Wasting time on Facebook. I hear of people spending hours per day on Facebook, and I wonder what in the world they're doing. What is so interesting? I would actually really like to know. It can't be Farmville, that I'm pretty sure of.

10. Microwave tomato explosions. Everything I put in the microwave stays put on the dish or in the bowl, except tomato products. Tomato products are unruly. Soup, sauce, salsa, any of that stuff -- flings itself to the sides and top of the microwave, every time. It's only tomatoes. Of course it has to be, because it's bright red and extremely noticeable and will make my microwave cruddy if I don't clean it immediately.

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