18 December 2017

7 Things I'll Never Say to My Hairstylist

1. I'm sorry I have really thick hair. Believe me, it bothers me way more than it bothers you.

2. Please don't feel pressured to make small talk the entire time. I'm not one of those people who thinks silence is awkward. It's only as awkward as you make it. No, I'm definitely a fan of silence. Silence is golden.

3. But if you're going to talk while running the hairdryer, please talk a little louder. I'm not the best at lip reading.

4. Why do you all have different definitions of what an "inch" is? In school they taught me that an inch is one twelfth of a foot: a standard measurement, the same everywhere you go (or at least, everywhere the English system is used). But I go to one stylist and tell them I want four inches off, and I look almost the same leaving as when I walked in. I go to someone else and tell them the same thing, and afterward my head looks like a hedge that met pruning shears in a bad mood.

5. I'm a captive audience, not a psychologist. I don't mind being a listening ear, but I'm really at a loss for what to say in response to your complaints about your hellion kids, your $#%!* ex, or how you walked into a wall after one shot too many last weekend.

6. I shouldn't need to know all the hairdresser buzzwords to get a good haircut. I know it helps if I can use jargon like "textured", "peice-y", and "tousled" when telling you what I want, but I shouldn't have to, especially if I bring you a picture.

In fact, it is possible to give a good haircut without me saying a word. One of the best cuts I ever had was from a stylist whose clientele were all Korean except for me. I brought her a magazine photo of what I had in mind. She spoke no English and I, of course, spoke no Korean, but she communicated with surprising precision via facial expressions -- a nod here, a small frown there, a raise of the eyebrows with the scissors poised ready to snip: Is this okay to cut? Right about here? I'll admit that at first I didn't have high hopes for the outcome, but you know what, my hair never looked better.

7. I think you're magic. It's all an unfathomable mystery to me, especially layering. I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do! Really. It means I don't have to do it myself, which might make me look even worse than when my mother used to do it at home (though admittedly that would be difficult). I rocked the lampshade impersonation (blunt cut with straight bangs) for most of my childhood. Those days are gone forever, thanks to you. You have no idea how relieved I am!


  1. Oh my goodness Sharon, I was laughing out loud all the way through reading this!! How I miss you!!!

  2. Replies
    1. Yes, I thought it was one that represented me well :P