23 December 2017

'Tis the Season

If the crass commercialization of Christmas hijacking the entire month of December gets you down every year, I've got good news for you. There is, believe it or not, something else you can celebrate on each day of the month, and none of it has anything to do with Christmas. (Well, okay, most of it has nothing to do with Christmas.)

Here are some alternative special days to consider observing:

Dec. 1: Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day. This is actually a thing -- a whole day devoted to celebrating the prevention and/or alleviation of squinting at your blurry computer screen. (But good luck getting the day off for an eye exam.)

Dec. 2: Business of Popping Corn Day. Today we celebrate the invention of the first large scale commercial popcorn machine over 100 years ago. But as most of us aren't actually popcorn popper professionals, and we're unlikely to get (or even want to have) our own commercial popcorn machine, we just have to celebrate Business of Popping Corn Day at home.

Dec. 3: National Green Bean Casserole Day. But how good your green bean casserole is going to taste this many days after Thanksgiving is anyone's guess.

Dec. 4 National Cookie Day. In case you just can't wait for Christmas.

Dec. 5: Bathtub Party Day. I sure do hope this one is just for children under the age of five. I don't want to imagine a bathtub party involving anyone much older than that. I just don't.

Dec. 6: Put on Your Own Shoes Day. Yes, any day that I decide to wear shoes, I am generally putting them on myself.

Dec. 7: This is not only Pearl Harbor Day; it's also International Civil Aviation Day, Letter Writing Day, and Cotton Candy Day. But you should probably wait until you've made a safe landing of your airplane before trying to write a letter or eat cotton candy, both of which might obscure your view of the instrument panel.

Dec. 8: Take It in the Ear Day. I have very sensitive ears, so this one makes me a little nervous. I'd like to know just what it is I'm going to be taking in the ear if I observe this day. Piercings? Gossip? Loud music? A Q-tip? The suspense is too much.

Dec. 9: Weary Willie Day. From nationaldaycalendar.com: "Weary Willie Day celebrates the art of clowning and the impact that it has had on our lives." I'm sure all the sufferers of coulrophobia (the fear of clowns) are probably going to take a pass on celebrating that impact, however.

Dec. 10: Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales. You know, just knowing something like this exists and that there are people out there who think it's worth celebrating, sure makes me feel a whole lot better about all those Christmas parties I complain about going to.

Dec. 11: National Noodle Ring Day. What, pray tell, is a "noodle ring"? Is it like a counterfeiting ring? Is this when people make pasta that looks like pasta but isn't really? Does this mean that gluten free pasta should be considered a crime?

Dec. 12: Festival of Unmentionable Thoughts. I would really love to know more about this, but I'm not sure anyone will tell me. Can you celebrate unmentionable thoughts without mentioning them, in which case they're no longer unmentionable?

Dec. 13: Ice Cream Day. Also, Pick a Pathologist Pal Day. From nationaldaycalendar.com: "This day was created to encourage us to make friends with a pathologist or coroner because we never know what tomorrow holds." Ummm... I think I'll just stick to ice cream, thanks.

Dec. 14: National Bouillabaisse Day. I adore all things seafood, so I'm sure this is one I'd be interested to try. I've never had the chance to order bouillabaisse anywhere, come to think of it. Probably because I can never remember how to spell it, and I have even less of an idea how to pronounce it.

Dec. 15: Free Shipping Day. This must be for the poor unfortunate souls who don't have Amazon Prime and get to have free shipping every day of the year.

Dec. 16: Barbie and Barney Backlash Day. For all the moms and dads and babysitters who are sick to death of Barbie dolls and silly singalongs, I guess this one's for you. Oh, but it's also Stupid Toy Day, so everyone who actually loves Barbie and Barney can return the backlash with more backlash, I guess.

Dec. 17: National Maple Syrup Day. This doesn't make much sense, as maple syrup season doesn't start for another 2-4 months depending on where you live. Any day's a good day for eating it, though.

Dec. 18: Flake Appreciation Day. I sure hope they mean snowflakes -- real, literal ice-crystal snowflakes, and not Frosted Flakes (which are terrible for you), dandruff flakes (which are gross and annoying), or flaky people (only slightly more annoying than dandruff).

Dec. 19: Look for an Evergreen Day. If you live up north, completing this activity should take all of 0.02 seconds as you probably won't even have to open your front door.

Dec. 20: Cathode-Ray Tube Day. If you can still find one, that is. Maybe in an antiques museum.

Dec. 21: Don't Make Your Bed Day. Funny thing -- for me, this is every day.

Dec. 22: National Cookie Exchange Day. Remember those cookies you baked on National Cookie Day, almost four weeks ago? Well, today's the day you get to trade them with your friends! Yeah, I know they're probably kind of stale by now.

Dec. 23: HumanLight. I have no idea what this is about, but I hope it has nothing to do with human torches, because that's what it sounds like. [Edit: apparently this is a "secular humanist holiday celebration" similar to Winter Solstice. I'm thinking, why do we need this? Christmas isn't secular enough these days?]

Dec. 24: Today you have your choice of either Last Minute Shopper's Day or National Egg Nog Day. (I'd go with the eggnog, myself. It's not always that great, but it's definitely better than braving the rabid crowds and flu germs of last minute shopping.)

Dec. 25: Other than the obvious, it's also National Pumpkin Pie Day, in case you didn't get your fill of that at Thanksgiving.

Dec. 26: National Whiner's Day. For everyone who didn't get what they wanted for Christmas. For those who did, it's National Thank You Note Day.

Dec. 27: National Fruitcake Day. Yes, this sounds like the perfect day for that, now that everyone is thoroughly sick of holiday sweets and thinking about dieting.

Dec. 28: National Chocolate Candy Day. In case you still have room after yesterday's fruitcake... blech.

Dec. 29: Still Need to Do Day. I'm sorry, isn't this every day of the year? It is for me anyway. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

Dec. 30: Falling Needles Family Fest Day. Pine needles? Sewing needles? Hypodermic needles? Do I want to know? It's also Festival of Enormous Changes at the Last Minute, in case you need some more stress in your life. This doesn't seem to jive very well with the fact that it's also No Interruptions Day. I bet people who try to celebrate Enormous Changes and No Interruptions today run into some trouble.

Dec. 31: Make Up Your Mind Day. In case you didn't get it together yesterday for the Festival of Enormous of Changes at the Last Minute, today offers you a new beginning. You have one more chance to make over your life before the New Year. Get it done today, and you don't have to worry about New Year's Resolutions!

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