06 January 2018

10 Things that Make No Sense


1. The expression "Falling in love." It's the "falling" part that gets me. Falling is almost always accidental, occasioned by a sudden loss of control: falling into a ditch, falling downstairs, even falling asleep. What then am I supposed to make of the idea of "falling" in love? Does love also happen accidentally, without my permission, and without any warning? If so, then it would seem that I've missed out on this experience. Bummer.

On a related note --

2. Getting drunk. Here I'm not thinking so much of full-time alcoholics; I'm thinking of the people for whom drunkenness is sort of a weekend hobby, a part of leisure time. I have to admit that the "fun" aspect of intoxication is lost on me -- the only effects alcohol gives me are nausea and profuse sweating. I guess it must not affect everyone this way, because I can't think for the life of me why all those people would choose to inflict flu-like symptoms on themselves for fun. As it is, most of the individuals who fail to "enjoy responsibly" (as the beer commercials put it) end up with headaches, dehydration, vertigo, and whatever else a hangover usually does. I personally would consider this to be sufficient incentive to find a new weekend hobby... but, hey, what do I know.

3. People (excluding small children!) who say, "I wish we could celebrate Christmas every day of the year." Listen, I would be in the poorhouse if we did that, and so would you. I would also be sick from that many Christmas cookies. And do you really want to hear "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" all year long? I didn't think so.

4. The Great Alma Mater Grab for Cash. I can see why universities do this to their older alumni -- the ones who are well established in their careers (or comfortably retired), who are actually in a good position to help fatten up that endowment fund. What I don't get is why they go after the younger set with equal aggressiveness when they stand to gain so very much less for the effort. And they start early with it, too: The very same day that I arrived back home from my college graduation, there was a letter from the school waiting in my mailbox: "Not that you're an alumna, please donate to the student scholarship fund!" In fact, both of my alma maters hit me up for cash on the regular. And I'm like, Go away, people. I already gave you all the money I have. And lots of money that I don't have.

5. House selling season. Silly me, I thought people move when they need to move, just like they buy a car when they need to, or they get a new job when they need one. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Oh darn, I got laid off. I guess I'll have to wait until 'new job season' to apply for work!" But I put my house on the market in October and I discover that, lo and behold, everyone who needs to buy a house waits until spring. Who knew? Apparently, everybody but me.

6. Fat Free Half 'n Half. Need I say, the best fat free option is called black coffee. And it's also "free" of extra cost, as well.

7. Online shopping deals from unidentified time zones. You find a great deal online for something you've had your eye on for awhile. The sale comes with free shipping and it ends at midnight. You get excited and start placing your order, only to discover that the whole thing is full price at checkout. Why? Well, unfortunately, midnight happens at different times around the world, and unbeknownst to you, the Belarus-based company from which you are buying ended their sale at 12 a.m. Ulan Bator Standard Time, eleven hours ago.

8. "Surprise" marriage proposals. I'm really not sure why getting the plan to marry in motion is something only the groom-to-be is traditionally "in the know" about. His prospective fiancee's sense of timing as to when this should happen are equally relevant to the arrangement, I would think. Even more so when you consider that this deal is for keeps. The agreement to commit to a lifetime partnership is definitely not something you want to catch you off guard.

9. Baking soda boxes. Baking powder comes in a handy little metal can, and the opening has a flat edge to make measuring easy. Why can't baking soda also be packaged this way? Why does it have to come in a flimsy cardboard box that you can't measure from without making a mess? I have never understood this, but I have ample time to reflect while sweeping up baking soda off my floor and countertops.

10. Daylight Savings Time. Get jet lag, no travel necessary! Why do we do this to ourselves? Nobody seems to know anymore.

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